– turn the ethereal into your reality –

I ride to work nearly every day on a motorcycle. For a while, I was eating breakfast at home and bringing a bottle of water. As I’m not really a morning person, this slowly gave-way to buying breakfast on the way, at first occasionally, eventually EVER. SINGLE. DAY. I was bringing it to work for a little while, but then, as I realized I don’t actually like eating my breakfast (now cold) at work, I started eating it at the coffee shop…

And then I started drinking coffee, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I avoided this for so long, but it caught up to me, for reasons that are irrelevant, so let’s just say: I like coffee.

So then, since I’m not a morning person, I started waking up later, and not being able to enjoy my coffee at the coffee shop. Thus; I had to transport it to work, on a motorcycle.  And thus was born, this ridiculous solution to an unnecessary problem.

I am, by nature, a problem solver.  What’s the right solution?  A travel mug. Obviously.  But due to being something of an idiot, stubborn, lazy, and just generally having a penchant for creative solutions, that was not viable*

So you want to know how to get a coffee-to-go on your motorbike?  Look no further, curious kindred, for I will guide you to the ways of mobile beverage… man.

You will need…
To Bring:
– Bag (motorcycle tank bags will work dramatically better than… well basically anything else.)
– Towel (Experiment to find what works best for you, but you probably want something smaller than a beach towel)
– Expensive laptop, books, or other liquid sensitive 3-dimensional, mostly flat device(s)

To Buy:
– Cream Cheese
– Coffee (VERY IMPORTANT:  MUST BE IN A TO-GO CUP, LEST YOU ADD “COFFEE” MUG TO THE NEXT CATEGORY)

To Steal:
– Napkins.  An ample supply.

To Give Away:
– Dignity
– Pride**

A PHOTO GUIDE!

Step 1:  Buy a cream cheese!

Step 2: Take the foil OFF the cream cheese container, and throw EVERYTHING ELSE AWAY (everything but the foil, that is)***

Step 3:  Purchase coffee, “to go” and place the foil on the drink hole

Step 4: Open your BAG.  Make sure your expensive water/fluid sensitive devices make a relatively flat, stable footing.  These devices will be used to elevate your coffee cup, to shove it’s face in the top of the bag.**** Place the towel in the bag as shown, and the coffee (with foil) on top.  Make sure that the mouth hole is opposite the kick-stand side of your bike!

Step 5: NAPKINS!

Step 6: Fold.

Step 7: Fold… AGAIN!

Step 8: close the bag!

Step 9: Place the fully closed bag very carefully on motorbike.  You may now corner as hard as you want, and you will not spill your beverage [, man] (take that, cagers!).  Acceleration and braking may be done somewhat aggressively, as well, depending on how much coffee you drank prior to inserting the coffee cup into the bag.  Bumps should be avoided at all costs.  Wheelies and stoppies may cause beverage leaking.

Step 10:  OPEN the bag!  It’s like a prize, every time, to see how much didn’t spill (my best is NO VISIBLE LEAKAGE AT ALL.  Beat that, suckers…)

Congrats!  You have just officially transported your coffee in one of the most ridiculous ways possible.  Every time you do this, just think:  Somewhere out there, Martin is making me feel just a little bit better about myself, by doing this every single day.

Cheers!
-Martin

*****

Footnotes are for chumps, that’s why I made them:

*OK, so here’s the deal:  I don’t like being a coffee addict, which I most certainly am, at the moment.  I’ve done good for myself at avoiding these things in the past, but coffee just helps. Obviously people understand this, since coffee is the second most traded product in the world (behind petroleum products).  Anyways, I feel like if I actually bought a legit travel mug, it would seal my fate of being addicted to coffee for the rest of my life.  It, somehow, makes it more real.  I’m in denial here, folks.  There, I said it.

**If you’re disinterested in giving away your dignity and pride, a possible solution is to also bring an ample supply of humility.

***Alternatively, you can purchase a bagel in addition to the cream cheese, and spread said cream cheese on said bagel, and consume said bagel (with the cream cheese you have literally just spread on it) as a delicious treat.  This process does NOT affect the beverage transportation process – it’s just a nice perk!

****I am not responsible for damage caused to you, or to any of your stuff, particularly the expensive water/fluid sensitive devices.  If you’re unlike me, and somewhat intelligent, you will start with a shorter bag or just buy a larger sized coffee to avoid this situation.  Me?  Expensive electronics.

I don’t know why I even bothered with the map, but here it is, in all it’s mostly-inaccurate glory.

View Larger Map

Truthfully, we did start and end in San Diego, but since this is listed [STRICTLY] under traveling in Mexico, I can’t really include that, now can I?  Also, I have no pictures, so it’d be pointless.  Much like this map.

The only solid parts of the maps are the three points and the fact that you can drive between them.  In actuality, the driving between these three points is easier than the map suggests because [as truth would have it] you can drive on areas of Mexico that Google does not consider a road…  Like, the much smoother lake bed leading to Guadalupe Canyon Oasis/Hot Springs.  Furthermore, you don’t really need an exit to drive off the highway.  At least, not an official one.

Also, I’m glad I didn’t drive through Mexicali alone.  I would have got very lost.  Actually, on that note, I did get lost immediately after crossing the border…

So everyone told me that you can go into Mexico with no trouble, but ohhhh no, the Mexican border patrol has to stop ME and ask if I have anything to declare.  Meanwhile, the people we are following disappear into the depths of Mexicali…

Thank god for still being in US cell phone service range, as that very immediately saved my ass.

I don’t really know where people get off thinking they can make any money charging people to drive across a dry lake bed, but it works.  It apparently also has a list price of 10 tacos per vehicle, but you can totally talk them down to five tacos, for two vehicles.  (This is assuming you can pick up a taco for 10 pesos, as advertised in Mexicali)

This is the road you want.  I’m serious.   Not even the Mexican highway (which is honestly nicer than many American roads) is as smooth as this puppy.  Sustained ~60mph for the following 20 miles.

Why would I put a German caption on a picture taken in Mexico…

NOCONOC may or may not be a legit license plate number.  You be the judge.

Now I don’t mean to insult any culture by saying this, but it’s worth noting that I was fucking filthy only 1.5 hours after getting into Mexico and having to dig a truck out of the goddamn sand.  It might just be the way of the land.

Furthermore, you don’t actually need a four-wheel drive vehicle to make it to Guadalupe Canyon Oasis, you just need to not drive through the easily avoidable sand dunes.

Maybe, on second thought – just get the 4wd.  On to the campsite…

After digging out of the sand and finally arriving at the Oasis, we got to bust open the close-packed oranges!  Chemistry joke, anyone?  Anyone?  Close packed, get it? Grain structure?

I know it’s only the middle of the photo series, but this might be THE quintessential photo of what Guadalupe Canyon Oasis can offer you.  Not the PBR – you have to bring that yourself, but a very, very nice place to drink it.  They maintain the sites very well.  The whole grounds are very clean and the tubs were inviting, with a natural feel to them.  The plumbing was hilarious though, and required us to bust out the duct tape no less than two times.

That covers all the campsite photos, next up are from hiking up the Canyon, to look at the many available waterfalls.  I think we saw three of them, officially?  Hard to know, for sure…

This waterfall drains nowhere, visibly.  Just seeps into the sand.  I’m told it usually flows much more than that, though.

A bit colorful, no?

So if you can imagine taking a 10ft deep swimming pool, and placing it  in a rock ledge, I’m pretty sure this is what you would end up with.

[no pics of waterfall #2, or #4, or #5, or #6, or #7]

Well, that’s it for the Oasis.  We rolled outta there, filled up just outside of Mexicali and headed to the Tecate border and got extremely lucky (no line!).

And that wraps it up.  If you’re looking for a great place to spend the weekend, and want to just get away from civilization, Guadalupe Canyon Oasis is an excellent choice.  I know I’ll definitely be going back.  This was a very pleasant introduction to traveling in Mexico.  If you want your trip to be sans-digging out of the sand, just don’t drive through the sand dunes!  Also don’t drive through the lake bed after it rains.
http://guadalupecanyonoasis.com/
Oh, and we stayed in La Playita.  Very nice site.  A bit more secluded than some of the others, with a large tub.

Final words of wisdom:
Shirtcock is the counterculture to topless women.  And it’s not pretty.

Cheers!

-Martin